Couples Therapy
When one finds another in the chemistry of romantic love, life grows large. As the news spreads to family and friends, and especially when formal engagement is announced, new social and worldly possibilities come into view. The energy easily becomes contagious as family and friends variously identify with the passion and sheer boldness of this declared union. As the rites of marriage or ceremony approach, the air itself revels with optimistic fervor.
As the enemy of hope, doubt is willfully held in check. We instinctively avoid looking too deeply into the shadows lest we become reminded of how the once alluring chemistry and hope filled visions of courtship can and often do become confounded by unanticipated turnabouts and transformations over time. Indeed therapists and poets alike remind us that long term coupling is not for the faint of heart. And so do those who have been there. As often as not, we see the efforts of obviously committed and well meaning partners to be their best with one another succumb over time to increasingly hurt and/or frustrated interactions. We find that the social roles and values that worked for our parents and grandparents do not carry the same weight in today’s world. Adrift without a roadmap, disillusionment can set in and seriously dampen a once vibrant relationship. Some couples may become overwhelmed and even separate at this point.
Old ways are hard to let go of however, and sometimes so are valued though troubled relationships as there seems to be something deep and meaningful that binds certain couples together. Indeed some couples are willing and able to endure the pains of struggle to points of exhaustion that can lead one or both partners to earnest self reflection, or “soul searching” about her or his part in problematic interactions. Identifying and attempting to own one’s part in couple interactions can be a noble turning point and may engender a sense of realistic hope however it can also be experienced as painful and lonely if renewed efforts at meaningful contact continue to fail. At this critical point of heartfelt though seemingly irresolvable struggle I believe there exists a growth potential within the couple relationship that may give partners sufficient motivation and strength to make good use of the personal and interactive focused work of couples therapy.
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Let me describe how I work with couples with the following discussion of process and purpose:
In the first session I ask partners to talk to me, as well as to one another, about why they are here so that we can gather a shared perspective regarding immediate and long term goals as well as specific areas of couple strengths and vulnerabilities. As issues and personal needs or concerns are discussed I also help partners find a shared language to establish a mutually agreed upon neutral space for constructive discussion and debriefing of couple interactions. I will at all times be as transparent as I can about how I facilitate and be available to answer any questions or concerns as they arise.
Once partners feel sufficiently informed of what to expect and are ready to proceed I will ask them to discuss with one another a currently persistent and challenging issue. As each partner has a particular investment in the identified issue he or she will at some point take a personal position on the matter. Initially I support each partner’s efforts to find the right words and approach with the other regarding her or his position until a feel for the interaction is clearly in the room. This feel about what is happening, or perhaps what is not happening, often becomes a painful and familiar stuck point as “the problem” turns out to be not so much about the identified issue as it is about the nature of the interaction between partners. When tension between partners suggests that something deeper is going on I then help shift attention away from the issue itself and its problem solving logic to the underlying realities of each partner’s felt experiences of hurt and frustration in the current interaction.
With this shift of focus the work deepens as each partner becomes more presently aware of how life really feels in the presence of the other. I then help each partner find new and expressive language to identify and describe her or his feelings and response tendencies in the interaction, especially regarding changes in the quality of felt connection and/or disconnection between one another. Attention to the quality of connection in particular helps each partner recognize how her or his comfort level with the other shifts in relation to perceived emotional and even physical distance between one another. As each partner learns to recognize and acknowledge his or her shifts in felt comfort levels with the other each may also begin to notice how this plays out in approach and distancing behaviors in interactions between the two.
As perceptions of the emotional distance between one another can change rapidly in response to shifting communication patterns and impact each partner’s felt comfort level or connection with the other, I help partners track and notice the impact of not only verbal communications but behavioral and emotional expressions and bodily sensed feelings as well. This helps each partner become more fully aware of the personally distinct ways in which she or he is affected by and responds to the other in couple interactions. Furthermore each partner begins to see that his or her part in these interactions has a personal and deeply patterned history.
Once identified in current couple interactions, I help partners recall and discuss earlier versions of these same patterns as they have evolved and influenced each partner’s relationship to the other over time. Occasionally I will also help each partner recall and describe his or her patterns in prior relationships including family of origin settings. Recalling and discussing similar patterns in one’s history can quickly make intuitive sense and generate constructive self reflection as each partner recognizes that her or his sense of safety, need, vulnerability and frustration in the current relationship actually works off of underlying and deeply personal sets of adaptive response tendencies that originally arose out of childhood needs for safety and relationship sensibilities. These enduring and adaptive response tendencies, or attachment styles, are encoded within deep neurobiological levels of the brain and body and play a large role in defining who we are. Largely outside of each partner’s awareness, these underlying response tendencies continue to influence body feelings, emotions, and thinking in the current relationship.
With an appreciation for the neurobiological patterning at play this specifically focused work helps partners develop a capacity for constructive dialogue about the influences of their own and the other’s attachment tendencies as they play out in couple interactions. It also helps partners see how these same underlying influences have contributed over time to certain perceptual errors and/or “mistakes” in how each makes meaning of his or her own experience and attributes thoughts or intentions to the other. As a history of such errors of perception or thinking in couple interactions often leads partners to very different and conflicting “theories” of what goes on between the two this can become a primary source of pain, frustration and discouragement in couple interactions. With this in mind I facilitate a “re-doing” of each partner’s accustomed ways of expressing his or her self and listening to or noticing the other. As issues re-emerge for discussion I help each partner identify and track his or her perceptual or mistake tendencies through shifting emotional states, felt senses of connection-disconnection and approach-distancing tendencies between one another. With practice these “live re-dos” develop a new cognitive, emotional and neurobiological base from which each partner can better identify and take into account the influences of her or his own and the other’s attachment history.
Like learning to ride a bicycle this work becomes second nature as each partner finds new and expressive ways to name and own what he or she brings to the relationship. With renewed confidence that outcomes will be good partners become less defensive and more cooperative when approaching previously thorny issues and also more willing to turn towards one another for understanding, comfort or repair. With successive positive outcomes partners become more relaxed and spontaneous in how they show care and affection for one another.
Significantly, neuro-plasticity within the brain and emotional system allows these positively felt movements towards one another to build upon earlier positive life experiences. In couple relationships especially, this can be a primary source of healing as this helps to re-integrate the neurobiological patterning that underlies attachment sensibilities, including deeply embedded elements of each partner’s early mother-infant relationship. These re-awakened connections then become available for deepening levels of mature adult bonding, that is, for growth and intimacy in the current couple relationship.
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