In the first session I help each partner identify her or his distress or concerns about the current state of the couple relationship. As each partner finds the words that best describes his or her experience I pay careful attention not only to the words and accompanying emotions but also to how partners respond to one another, especially as I notice movements by each partner either towards or away from the other. While this helps me gather perspective regarding the general nature of issues that need attention, even more importantly it helps me get a feel for the personal depths at which each partner struggles with these issues.
If the presenting situation then suggests attention to the issues themselves in consideration of resolve or adjustment needs the level of work may be effectively and adequately addressed with couples counseling. In this case new perspectives and practicing new interpersonal skills may be adequate to move things along. This level of work alone, however, may be less effective or ineffective altogether for some couples. When well meaning partners have become overwhelmed by extended episodes of hurt and/or frustration in interactions with one another the work may need to focus more directly on each partner’s coping styles and response tendencies in these interactions. For more on this deeper level of work please go the couples therapy page.
With couples counseling, the work generally gets going when partners can see that relationship “problems” are more effectively addressed when seen as “shared problems”. This nearly always gives couples an immediate sense of hope and empowerment as each partner begins to identify ways that he or she plays a part in what goes on between the two. Partners then naturally become more openly curious and cooperative in how to work things out. In facilitated “re-dos” of old and painful patterns I help each partner identify feelings and find the right words to get his or her message across to the other at the same time as I help each partner more fully notice and listen to the other.
As most issues that come up for couples are common and are often the outcome of life situations that challenge both partners I encourage open discussions about the normal and expectable tensions in long term intimate relationships. This can include the normal challenges of emergent “mid-life crisis” pressures in one or both partners.
Taken earnestly, this work helps each partner “enlarge” her or his self through an increasingly clear and effective ownership of what she or he brings into the relationship. This is the essence of individual growth, or differentiation within an intimate setting, which in turn leads to an increasingly mature capacity for meaningful intimacy together and aliveness as separate individuals.
As a self help adjunct for both couples counseling and couples therapy I recommend John Gottman’s